Hot tears ran down my cheek yesterday around roughly 3pm as I sat on the loveseat, staring at the blank TV screen in my parents' basement. My breaking point had been reached. Being this pregnant, it's already difficult to breathe normally, but now, my nose was completely stuffed up, too. No breathing from my nasal passages was happening. My eyes were burning. I felt defeated. Hopeless. I was done.
"Let's find a place to rent. We need to start looking right away."
"I give up on this house. I'm done."
"This is unreal."
...just some of the phrases I muttered.
I don't want this to be another house post as much as I want it to be a "what I've learned so far, and am still learning" post. Blogging is my therapy, so, grab your notebook and prepare your analysis.
Our pending house that we had the offer in on...things went wildly downhill. They were already going in that direction rather quickly, following our inspections, but yesterday, we reached the point of terminating our agreement. I don't even want to go into why, because it's simply too lengthy...
But I want to focus on why I'm absolutely at peace with this. Not just saying that because that's hindsight. Not just saying that because it's "the right thing to say." I'm saying it because I feel it. And I felt it as things gradually went down, and moreso as I signed my name to the termination. I felt myself letting go.
I have to pat myself on the back a little, I believe I've very much "let" God do all of this. Sure, I've been frustrated. That's okay. Sure, I've questioned things (ahem, timing). That's human. But I knew God had this all under control, and He's all over this. Which is why I'm at peace.
But I just reached *that* point, where tears were necessary. Where I just wanted to cry and to be allowed to be just. plain. stressed. because man, this is a LOT we've been dealing with lately. It was time to admit that, and time to just say, "I need to do THIS. Now." I needed to be upset, to let it out, and to move on.
And there's pretty much where we're at. We're moving on. And we have learned a lot from all of this so far, but one of the things I learned just yesterday was: A lot of my focus and frustration was the timing. It wasn't so much, "Thanks, God, for selling our house...FINALLY! Thank you!" as much as it was, "Thanks, God, for selling our house...FINALLY! But SERIOUSLY? NOW? This is AWFUL."
Just like that - I'm OVER the timing issue. (Isn't it funny how God sometimes teaches us things one at a time? It's like this dreadful, whirlwind of a month going on, and He's slowly pointing these things ot to me, teaching me lessons.) I'm over trying to get into a house before Gabe gets here. We can settle on a house the day before my surgery, or a week after he's here, for all I care. Because NEWSFLASH, Laura, even THAT isn't up to you, so, give up control.
We are house hunting again. If you'll recall, we only saw 2 houses before putting an offer in on this house. Do I regret it? No. Do I think we rushed? Not necessarily. We really did want that house. But the more things unraveled, the more it just wasn't worth it. This time? I want to enjoy house hunting. I want to find something we will truly be happy with, one we can afford, one that doesn't need so. much. work. One that doesn't have sellers who tell us they're "insulted" we ripped apart their house in inspections. (Ummmmm...that's the POINT.) And when God's ready...He'll give it to us.
As for me...I am declaring right here and right now: I don't care any more about the timing. I'm ready when He is. And I could be wrong, but I'm gonna go ahead and say that's the last lesson God has to teach me. I feel pretty confident I've handed over all I could, at this point. ;) I guess I'll see!